Baby Penguin

It's been a rough couple of days.
On Wednesday evening, I took a pregnancy test. And it was positive. I told Albert, we took the kids out to eat and told them (yes, the same out-to-eat trip which featured Brice eating jello with chopsticks). The kids were thrilled and we were thrilled.I nicknamed our little one "Baby Penguin" since I'd be due at the end of January in the cold, winter weather.
The next day, I began having some spotting. Dark brown spotting mostly. I've had some degree of spotting or bleeding with pretty much every pregnancy, so I wasn't terribly afraid, but it was concerning enough that I asked Tammy (our fabulous midwife) if I could get my HCG levels drawn. More specifically, I asked Ashley, who is Tammy's daughter and works with her mom as a nurse. But I digress....
I took another home pregnancy test to see if I would still get a positive result and indeed, not only did I still get a positive, the test line was lots darker and more obvious than the one I'd had Wednesday. So, I was happy with that evidence that my levels were indeed probably rising okay. That night, mostly for the fun of it, I took a digital pregnancy test. You know, the ones that say in words "Pregnant" or "not Pregnant" and I got a "pregnant". But I did notice that it took the full three minutes to give me the result.
The next day, Friday, I went to Anderson and had my HCG tested. Based on the positive results I'd had the day before, I wasn't too concerned and was mostly expecting good news. Ashley called and told me that my HCG was at 13. If you know about HCG levels, you know that is pretty low. And considering I'd had positive results from home pregnancy tests, this might even mean a drop in levels.
In a healthy pregnancy, HCG levels double every 2-3 days. One value on its own doesn't tell the story, but rather, how the numbers are rising or not rising is what is important. So today I went back for a second draw. Since it was Sunday, I had to go to Labor and Delivery and wait in a L&D room for the nurse to draw my labs. Let me tell you that when you're pretty certain you have a non-viable pregnancy, L&D is not the place you want to be. Newborns were crying in other rooms and all I could think was "I guess we won't get to be here in January like we thought." It was more than a little depressing.
The nurse came in and drew my blood and we were on our way. I texted Tammy in the parking lot to tell her I'd given my blood sample and could she call me as soon as she heard anything. She said that she would. Before I'd even gotten home, she called (wow, she was on top of things! That's why she's the best!) and sadly, my levels are only now 16. So its pretty certain that this pregnancy isn't going to make it. But now I sit in limbo land. Knowing that I will miscarry but not sure when. The spotting continues but hasn't picked up and I have no cramping.
I'm more than a little concerned that this is going to turn out to be an ectopic pregnancy. I was almost hoping that my levels would have plummeted back down to almost zero today so that I could just miscarry normally and chalk it up to a chemical pregnancy. Slowly rising levels sometimes indicate ectopic. Tammy is hopeful that this is still just a chemical pregnancy and so am I.
I am supposed to call the office tomorrow for an appointment to be evaluated. I will keep everyone updated as we get more information.
We both feel very sad, yet we know that God is in control of life, and not us. I feel very fortunate to know very early on, as I think its much easier on me than to go for weeks thinking that things were okay and normal only to be disheartened later. Yet still, my heart is sad that one of our babies that we created together will not be with us. At least not on this Earth. I've been very blessed to have nine successful pregnancies with no miscarriages or losses so far. And however this experience plays out, I know that there is a blessing in it too. And something valuable to be learned, and something to grow from. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't sad. After church today we took the kids out to eat to Pizza Hut's lunch buffett. Our waiter asked us if we were going to have any more children. We both looked at each other for a second, sort of at a loss for how to answer that. Finally Albert just said "Yes, one day we'll have more." I smiled at him and he smiled back. Life is life and we don't always get to pick the outcome. But we know who does, and we have complete faith in His plans for us, for our children, for our family. And for Baby Penguin.