He Asked Again

Brandon asked again. He asked me if we were still going to try to get his match. I didn't know what to say. I just stood there, stumbling over words. Because I'm not sure what the right answer is to that question. I'm not even 100% sure what the real answer is to that question. So, lacking both a right answer and a real answer...I began fumbling for words. Words to make him feel reassured. Words to maybe ease my own sense of guilt. Words to sounds reasonable, or confident or even certain. In the end, I just sounded confused. I told him that I don't know if we'll have any more babies because I don't think he still needs a match. I don't think he'll ever have to face his illness again, or relapse, and thus will never need the transplant we've spent five years worrying about. I told him I've pretty certain he's better for good now. And will stay that way.
He didn't look like he was buying it completely. He looked hopeful, but not convinced.

What I DIDN'T tell him is that we're drowning in a sea of many things- debt, expenses, diapers, chaos...the list could go on and on. I DIDN'T remind him that his Dad, as of Monday, will be working from 7:00a.m until midnight,five days a week, at two jobs so that we can pay our bills. I DIDN'T tell him that my body is so exhausted and so run down. I DIDN'T tell him those things because in the end, they wouldn't matter. They don't matter. If we thought for a second that he NEEDED that match, none of those things would matter for a second. But since we have such good reason to believe that this remission is going to stick...those things can start to come into play again. And for all those reasons plus some, we think that ten is a good number of kids for us, and we're not eager to have any more. At least for now. I can't close the door 100% on the possibility of NOT trying again for his match because...well...I can't predict the future.

I wonder about the effect of our conversation on him. Of course my big worry is that he thinks we've just given up...that life with so many babies is just too hard and it's no longer worth it to us to continue. I worry that he thinks I've broken my promise. Those thoughts kill me...both of us, and have caused a lot of missed sleep.
In my wildest dreams, I HOPE that he finds the fact that we don't feel the need to have any more children comforting. That it just reassures him that he really IS all better. Because surely he knows that if we didn't think it were so, we wouldn't be stopping. In my deepest fears, I am afraid that he feels scared that we've stopped, with no match for him. I'm afraid that he feels his security is in danger.

He asked me a weird question. He wanted to know that since Mia is also without a match, does that mean she is going to get sick too? How, or why he relates not having a match to being more likely to get sick makes me fear he thinks about these things more deeply than we'd like to believe...though I'd be lying if I said that thought hadn't crossed our minds too.

So, our conversation ended with me telling him that he is perfectly healthy. That Mia is perfectly healthy and that I had no fears that either he would relapse or that his sister would ever get sick with anything major. And that if that should for some reason change, of course we'd still get his match. It felt very much like leaving him in limbo. Trusting God is hard. I want guarantees. I want to deal in the definite. Not in the probably, the most likely or the hopefully. Most of all, I want Brandon to feel reassured. Comfortable. Peaceful. And safe.